Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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