Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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