I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
