the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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