I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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