And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
