new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
