He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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