so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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