I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
