If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
