The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
