stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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