Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
