Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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