We named our party play list daddy issues
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she told me i tasted like america
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
