I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
