You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
