I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
