My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
