My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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