paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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