Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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