I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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