apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
