pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
