I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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