Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize