well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
