I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
