You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
