my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I need moral support for this bender
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
