Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize