Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
