I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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