What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
