on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't want my vagina anymore.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
