all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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