sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
