I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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