I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
