As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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