I want to walk on stilts...naked
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
