Moan for me like Helen Keller
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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