So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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