You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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