I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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