My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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