What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
