walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
