I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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