Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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