Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize