i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
