So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize