Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Barsexuality is the new black.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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