It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
