U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
