She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
