My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
