Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
